Monday, October 31, 2011

My First Real Date...Fail

I remember when I first came out, I didn't like the expression "lifestyle" because I wasn't doing anything different than I was before. I was still in high school so what alternative "lifestyle" was I living. To this day, I still am not comfortable with that term but there are distinctive characteristics one may choose to live in this world that can be considered a lifestyle but I like to call it culture. Any minority that is suppressed by the society at large develops distinctive cultures. Like black culture, arts, music, food, and anything to bring happiness thrives and becomes original and like nothing else. From that example, I hate when people say "Acting Black" too but I'm going off on a tangent. I meant to talk about my first real date where I thought I learned something about the gay lifestyle but really it was something universal. Dating isn't easy for any race, creed, orientation or color. This one, I will always remember.

Before, I start it's really not as epic as I'm making it but it was epic for me.

Ok, so back in the day, I used to be on every gay dating site there was. This was after I had already discovered that you can't really expect to "date" from those and that it was merely for hookups. But after I got really tired of the random hookups, I thought I could be different. I didn't advertise any nakedness and I took down my genitalia statistics. It was not really getting me any attention but I expected it. I did come across one boy who would talk to me. He was so cute to me. A Mexican boy with the cutest cheeks and button nose. He was the same size as me physically so retardedly I got excited about sharing clothes potential. He was funny and seemed to really get my humor, which at the time, I didn't really think people did. We talked for about 2 weeks before I offered for us to go on an actual date. He accepted and I was thrilled. We had set it for the Olive Garden on friday night. This was the first time I was going on a date where it wasn't someone's house, where even though we talk the talk, only sex was expected. I was more than estatic but all the while being really nervous. I didn't want to fuck it up.

I got there early. It was expectedly busy but I didn't want to put my name on the list til he was there, just to make sure. You know. Fear of being stood up and highly embarrassed but he called and said he was parking and asked where I was.

He finally came up to me and shook my hand but he had a semi-surprised look in his face. Was I that different from my photos? As we sat waiting on our table, he was very dry and cold. I found myself trying to steer the convo a lot. Same when we finally sat and started to eat. He seemed very not interested and rushed for the check. At that moment. I knew. I paid and he shook my hand good bye and that was that.

I tried to text a couple days later to no reply. I didn't want to pester so I didn't go from there. But even though, I knew that was a norm in "dating" it really made me sad...Like, what was so wrong with me?

Oh well, a year later, I saw him again at school, we'd pass each other a couple of times. I'd respectfully nod or say hello and just go about my way. One time we passed in the bathroom and he kind of hesitated like he wanted to talk but I just kept on my way. Every time I pop up on a site, he'll try so hard to talk to me again...dude, no second chances. Fool me once...and never a-fucking-gain...

I haven't been on any dates since. I don't have any close gay friends, and in the past few months, I've cut off anything casual. I use the excuse that I am focusing on graduating getting my life set but in all honesty...I don't know how I will be able to handle another failed date. For some reason, I still believe in magic...that I won't have to try so hard to make it work...I won't go on a "date" but we'll just spend time together. I won't have to wait for him to call, because we won't be able to stop talking to each other...

Fuckin TV.

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