Wednesday, October 19, 2011

But I just gotta deal...

I like to think that as a gay, black man I have to struggle a little bit harder just to get by. I know that may sound like my typical "I'm the victim" banter but I think it's actually pretty valid in a lot of ways. But some universal themes of life are just as equally true to me as I know it is to others, in reality no worse and no better. But as I walk through MY life, shit just fucking sucks and I can't help but complain and bitch about it like it's the end of days for me and as I have explained before, this blog is for me to let it out so maybe I don't sound whiny to someone else.
The theme today is wanting what we can't have. And boy there are a LOT of things, I want that I can't have. I want a Lexus...can't have...right now. I want a nice house...can't have...right now. I want everything that Express sales, custom altered to fit my funny shaped ass body...can't have...right now. Well, really, most of the stuff I want I can't simply have right now because I haven't made it far enough in my life to make it happen but they are possible, right? So what is it that I can't have that isn't possible? Well...it's boys. Specifically, the boys I fall for. And I know it's true for us all at one time or another...we always want who we can't have.
Now, in HeteroWorld, that may be because they are already involved or you may be already involved or they may "be out of your league" or plainly they just aren't into you. That's the suckiest one. Wanting someone that doesn't want you. Well...in GayWorld, that's 99% of the guys I'm into. But see, they don't want me because they just aren't gay. There is no hope as may be the case in Heteroworld, as I can tell. You may meet a girl and things don't work like magic at first but a few months go by as y'all become friends, she finds you funny and becomes comfortable. She starts to see you in a different way. Starts to feel things and then something might happen. That tale as old as time story is what gives any hetero hope when they are mad crushing. That maybe things will work out for them and statistically speaking (not that I really know the actual statistics) it happens pretty frequently. Now let's jump back to me...
I meet awesome straight guys. I am friends with awesome straight guys. And most of the time, I don't really feel anything towards them. Not that I can't but I'm not so lustful that I fall for everyone I meet. And being honest, some guys I'm not even sexually attracted to even though they may be physically attractive and cute. I just value my friendships too much to let anything jeopardize that and frankly, I think I just know it won't happen. But the thing is...in a small amount of cases, I have fallen. So what happens mentally for me when I fall for a guy that will never want me? Freaking torture...
Now, there are those in GayWorld that believe that they can "turn" or "persuade" straight guys into sex. The good ol "get them drunk and possibly in a hot tub and tell them guys give better head" and yadda yadda yadda. But see, I'm not talking about hooking up. I'm talking about me generally having feelings for a guy and wanting to spend time with him. Be with him. Be intimate in a way that makes me feel like he wants me. He needs me...he loves me. Doesn't matter how many wine coolers you funnel down his throat, that's not something you can persuade. So in these cases, what have I done?
Well, I recognize that as a some-what sane individual, it is completely normal for me to have actual feelings. I also realize that even though I am aware that it will never happen, it is hard to diminish these feelings and that in time they will diminish themselves. I try not to act brash and just defriend someone just because I have feelings but I try really hard not to let it show and make said individual feel uncomfortable. I do sometimes purposely become better friends with them, which is unhealthy but it's better than nothing. Also, I'd hate to lose a real friend over my feelings. But this is what I have learned in my experienced days. Because in the past I wasn't so discreet...but was very fortunate.
As a new out gay way back in the day, I was of course hit with a flood of emotions. It was finally ok for me to express my feelings toward men and I was putting my heart out there. I fell really hard for someone who was straight and in that hope phase, I let him know. He was very understanding that I can not help who I felt what about but confirmed that he was not gay and it would not happen but wanted to be friends still as he did not think of me differently. That of course made me love him more, as I do to this day, but it doesn't kill me that it didn't happen. Again, time heals all...so what do I do today when I am hit with the flood? Wanting something SOOOO bad but I can never have. Well I don't go telling people but try to deal with it silently. I try to reason myself out from wanting it but as sappy as it sounds, the hearts wants what it wants. But I have to be honest...

It Fucking Sucks.

But I just gotta deal...

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