Monday, October 31, 2011

My First Real Date...Fail

I remember when I first came out, I didn't like the expression "lifestyle" because I wasn't doing anything different than I was before. I was still in high school so what alternative "lifestyle" was I living. To this day, I still am not comfortable with that term but there are distinctive characteristics one may choose to live in this world that can be considered a lifestyle but I like to call it culture. Any minority that is suppressed by the society at large develops distinctive cultures. Like black culture, arts, music, food, and anything to bring happiness thrives and becomes original and like nothing else. From that example, I hate when people say "Acting Black" too but I'm going off on a tangent. I meant to talk about my first real date where I thought I learned something about the gay lifestyle but really it was something universal. Dating isn't easy for any race, creed, orientation or color. This one, I will always remember.

Before, I start it's really not as epic as I'm making it but it was epic for me.

Ok, so back in the day, I used to be on every gay dating site there was. This was after I had already discovered that you can't really expect to "date" from those and that it was merely for hookups. But after I got really tired of the random hookups, I thought I could be different. I didn't advertise any nakedness and I took down my genitalia statistics. It was not really getting me any attention but I expected it. I did come across one boy who would talk to me. He was so cute to me. A Mexican boy with the cutest cheeks and button nose. He was the same size as me physically so retardedly I got excited about sharing clothes potential. He was funny and seemed to really get my humor, which at the time, I didn't really think people did. We talked for about 2 weeks before I offered for us to go on an actual date. He accepted and I was thrilled. We had set it for the Olive Garden on friday night. This was the first time I was going on a date where it wasn't someone's house, where even though we talk the talk, only sex was expected. I was more than estatic but all the while being really nervous. I didn't want to fuck it up.

I got there early. It was expectedly busy but I didn't want to put my name on the list til he was there, just to make sure. You know. Fear of being stood up and highly embarrassed but he called and said he was parking and asked where I was.

He finally came up to me and shook my hand but he had a semi-surprised look in his face. Was I that different from my photos? As we sat waiting on our table, he was very dry and cold. I found myself trying to steer the convo a lot. Same when we finally sat and started to eat. He seemed very not interested and rushed for the check. At that moment. I knew. I paid and he shook my hand good bye and that was that.

I tried to text a couple days later to no reply. I didn't want to pester so I didn't go from there. But even though, I knew that was a norm in "dating" it really made me sad...Like, what was so wrong with me?

Oh well, a year later, I saw him again at school, we'd pass each other a couple of times. I'd respectfully nod or say hello and just go about my way. One time we passed in the bathroom and he kind of hesitated like he wanted to talk but I just kept on my way. Every time I pop up on a site, he'll try so hard to talk to me again...dude, no second chances. Fool me once...and never a-fucking-gain...

I haven't been on any dates since. I don't have any close gay friends, and in the past few months, I've cut off anything casual. I use the excuse that I am focusing on graduating getting my life set but in all honesty...I don't know how I will be able to handle another failed date. For some reason, I still believe in magic...that I won't have to try so hard to make it work...I won't go on a "date" but we'll just spend time together. I won't have to wait for him to call, because we won't be able to stop talking to each other...

Fuckin TV.

Friday, October 21, 2011

just a ho...

OK, FINE! I had advertised this blog as the place I would begin to tell my stories I mostly hint on to people that are the juiciest about my gay escapades, but frankly, I have been a little embarrassed to share with the masses some details. But fuck it, it is what it is. And it is ENTERTAINMENT!...so enjoy...and warning...it gets graphic.
I used to be on every gay "dating" site there was. I used dating in quotations because at this particular time I was fully aware that it was just a means of hooking up. And at this particular time I was very much into hooking up. No shame. I met this one guy on there, late 20s, nice body and from his pics, a beautiful penis. I was ALL ABOUT the beautiful dicks then. I wanted nothing more than to put it in my mouth and slob away. So...we set it up. And believe me, it's as easy as I just put it. I say what I want to do, he sizes my pics up, gives me a yay or nay, and we decide when and where. GayWorld, I tell ya.
He lived in the Montrose area, naturally, and we decided to meet up one late Saturday afternoon at his place. He was even better looking in person, which was a major plus. He kept giving me compliments which I always take as a defense mechanism when someone gives you one....except for me...I refuse to lie no matter how fine you tell me I am. I. Will. Not. Lie. But seriously, he looked good. My height, moderately muscular, cute face, soft spoken. He seemed nervous and shy which drove my demeanor in the opposite. I was driven and eager. After quick acquaintances, I pushed "Where would you like to go to do this?" He at first stated the master bedroom but was hesitant and then went for the guest room down stairs. I forgot to mention how gorgeous the house was. It was very deco-modern with plenty of art from sculptures to paintings with modern furniture. Large glass windows downstairs revealed a usual sized downtown backyard space covered in concrete for the pool and hot tub. But I was headed to that back room, fuck that house!

He nervously closed the door behind me, I stood there for all of two seconds before I went in for the kill. Again, we had only agreed for me to perform and enjoy fellatio on him...which I had started...but to be honest, I don't know what happened next but we both ended up naked and on the bed and I was the one received a lot of services not initially signed up for...but I wasn't complaining. I just contributed it to my sexy appeal. BAM!

After maybe an hour of messing around and all things were said and finished, we layed there on the bed and talk for a bit. He kept complimenting me on my "beautiful skin" which I bashfully said I was embarrassed for all my chicken pox scars but attributed it's texture to cocoa butter...lol He talked about what he does and I talked about being in school, yada yada yada...then all of a sudden, the garage door opens...he gets wide eyed. Says..."oh no..." I say..."ah shit..."
He says, "My partner is home," I show signs of panic which he responds it's gonna be ok just for me to be quiet. At this point I'm looking around for places to hide, under the bed, in the bathroom, looking out the window to see if I can get to my car, luckily I parked down the street. But by the time I was scooping up my clothes, he was already in the house calling "Hello?! Anyone home!" My hookup had already replied, "Yeah, in here" again nervously. The partner came up to the door and asked, "You have company?" "Yeah, I do, " my hookup said somewhat ashamefully. "Oh ok," he responded. I then looked confused as I heard him walk away. I got a smug sideways smile from the hookup as he said "he's gonna wanna meet you." I said, sarcastically, "well that's great." I've seen relationships like this before but never first hand. A pretty younger guy "partners" with a older, larger man who has money to afford lovely homes like that but are protective of their property but allows them to roam from home occasionally but under supervision. I was fully expecting an intimating confrontation with a man who was going to make me feel like shit and want to shit on myself at the same time.

I got my clothes on and we walked outside to the kitchen where I could hear his partner was. I held my hands in my pocket and kept looking down. I walked slowly and took a deep breath. What greeted me was NOT what I was expecting. It was a short, cute, older latino man with a big smile. He took my hand and shook it softly and we exchanged names. He asked intriguely how "it" was and my hookup gave me a glowing review. He brought up how hesitant he was but how forward I was. He actually made it sound good that I was acting like a ho. We chit chatted a while, let them find out I was actually smart and trying to do well by myself, not just a typical teenage mo. His partner then gave me a tour of the house, which was odd but very nice of him, I guess. And invited me to come back again for maybe some more action with the two of them. At this time I had never done a threesome so I kept my answer polite but ambiguous as to whether I actually would. I left, weirdly, not feeling empty for being a ho, like I usually do, but actually satisfied. I had had just a random hookup that turned out more than I had originally planned but I also met a couple of nice guys. Mind you, I was fully aware that they were just hoes and I was just a hookup to them, but still, it turned out a lot more cordial than anything I had done up to that point.

Did I come back for that menais later? Maybe I'll tell ya at another time. But I did find out that I was not the only one that got an invite back for the both of them...almost every gay guy I meet has "met" the both of them...SMH....just a ho...

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

But I just gotta deal...

I like to think that as a gay, black man I have to struggle a little bit harder just to get by. I know that may sound like my typical "I'm the victim" banter but I think it's actually pretty valid in a lot of ways. But some universal themes of life are just as equally true to me as I know it is to others, in reality no worse and no better. But as I walk through MY life, shit just fucking sucks and I can't help but complain and bitch about it like it's the end of days for me and as I have explained before, this blog is for me to let it out so maybe I don't sound whiny to someone else.
The theme today is wanting what we can't have. And boy there are a LOT of things, I want that I can't have. I want a Lexus...can't have...right now. I want a nice house...can't have...right now. I want everything that Express sales, custom altered to fit my funny shaped ass body...can't have...right now. Well, really, most of the stuff I want I can't simply have right now because I haven't made it far enough in my life to make it happen but they are possible, right? So what is it that I can't have that isn't possible? Well...it's boys. Specifically, the boys I fall for. And I know it's true for us all at one time or another...we always want who we can't have.
Now, in HeteroWorld, that may be because they are already involved or you may be already involved or they may "be out of your league" or plainly they just aren't into you. That's the suckiest one. Wanting someone that doesn't want you. Well...in GayWorld, that's 99% of the guys I'm into. But see, they don't want me because they just aren't gay. There is no hope as may be the case in Heteroworld, as I can tell. You may meet a girl and things don't work like magic at first but a few months go by as y'all become friends, she finds you funny and becomes comfortable. She starts to see you in a different way. Starts to feel things and then something might happen. That tale as old as time story is what gives any hetero hope when they are mad crushing. That maybe things will work out for them and statistically speaking (not that I really know the actual statistics) it happens pretty frequently. Now let's jump back to me...
I meet awesome straight guys. I am friends with awesome straight guys. And most of the time, I don't really feel anything towards them. Not that I can't but I'm not so lustful that I fall for everyone I meet. And being honest, some guys I'm not even sexually attracted to even though they may be physically attractive and cute. I just value my friendships too much to let anything jeopardize that and frankly, I think I just know it won't happen. But the thing is...in a small amount of cases, I have fallen. So what happens mentally for me when I fall for a guy that will never want me? Freaking torture...
Now, there are those in GayWorld that believe that they can "turn" or "persuade" straight guys into sex. The good ol "get them drunk and possibly in a hot tub and tell them guys give better head" and yadda yadda yadda. But see, I'm not talking about hooking up. I'm talking about me generally having feelings for a guy and wanting to spend time with him. Be with him. Be intimate in a way that makes me feel like he wants me. He needs me...he loves me. Doesn't matter how many wine coolers you funnel down his throat, that's not something you can persuade. So in these cases, what have I done?
Well, I recognize that as a some-what sane individual, it is completely normal for me to have actual feelings. I also realize that even though I am aware that it will never happen, it is hard to diminish these feelings and that in time they will diminish themselves. I try not to act brash and just defriend someone just because I have feelings but I try really hard not to let it show and make said individual feel uncomfortable. I do sometimes purposely become better friends with them, which is unhealthy but it's better than nothing. Also, I'd hate to lose a real friend over my feelings. But this is what I have learned in my experienced days. Because in the past I wasn't so discreet...but was very fortunate.
As a new out gay way back in the day, I was of course hit with a flood of emotions. It was finally ok for me to express my feelings toward men and I was putting my heart out there. I fell really hard for someone who was straight and in that hope phase, I let him know. He was very understanding that I can not help who I felt what about but confirmed that he was not gay and it would not happen but wanted to be friends still as he did not think of me differently. That of course made me love him more, as I do to this day, but it doesn't kill me that it didn't happen. Again, time heals all...so what do I do today when I am hit with the flood? Wanting something SOOOO bad but I can never have. Well I don't go telling people but try to deal with it silently. I try to reason myself out from wanting it but as sappy as it sounds, the hearts wants what it wants. But I have to be honest...

It Fucking Sucks.

But I just gotta deal...