Monday, January 24, 2011

Is it me?!

Okay, so I have mentioned and hinted on the struggles I've had with my dad but recent events have reminded me of the worse bitch of them all. My stepmother. I don't know why or how but it's just not fairy tales or B-List horror flicks that tell the dangers of the step parents, this shiz is real life. It's embedded for step parents to be evil to the step children, mine TOTALLY not discluded (yes, I made up that word, ya gonna sic Webster on me?!)...

When I was 10, my father introduced me to a woman he said "did his taxes." My father was a playboy and had a lot of women over so I knew better, especially since my dad was way to fiscal with his own money to let anyone else deal with it. It was only much later that I found out the bitch was too dumb to count on one hand let alone do a man's taxes. But anyhow...a few months later, my father breaks it down that I may have a baby brother or sister. I was 10 and excited. Drama later ensued when I was told not to tell my mother and when she found out through other people, but that's another story. Fast forward 6 years...

I was living with my dad at the time because I was kicked out of my mother's home (Another story as well). I had always felt animosity from my step mother but it was nothing she ever really confronted me about. Just little things she would tell my dad and I'd find out through him, where he'd make it seem like it was something he was concerned about but I was too clever to not know it was her manipulating him. So, I retreated. I was very anti-confrontational and drama. I was working and still in high school so I kept busy and just kept to myself to avoid any more issues. Then one day, my little sister was aggravating me and I pushed her out of my room. Her being a young girl, over exaggerated and told her mother that I hit her. So Cindy (such a bitch name, huh?!) decided to bust open my door and demand I tell her what right I had to hit her daughter....

I calmly answered, "I didn't hit your daughter, I pushed her out my room." Then she yelled, "You don't put your hands on my daughter!" Not in the mood to argue with her ignut (yeah, I said it!) ass, I said, "Ok." Stupid, stupid me for thinking it would be left at that. She then went on how she didn't much mind my sassiness and the way I carried myself around the house not talking to anyone. I said, "...because every time I do something, you have a problem with it." At that moment, my dad was driving up from work. So then she started pulling all kinds of bull out her ass, while i just folded my arms and listened while I was getting ready to head to my grandmother's. I don't really remember what all she was shitting off about but the statement that set me off was "I'm not Judi, I'm not going to let you disrespect me however you want."...

...No this bitch muhfuggin didn't!...

At this time, my dad was walking in the firestorm. I said, "First of all, you don't know my mama, you don't talk to her, she doesn't talk to you, you keep her name out her mouth." She tried to interrupt, I said, "Nope, straight up, you don't know mama, you keep her name out your mouth and I'm being real serious about that. I don't talk to you because you were bound to act like this but I know for a fact, you gon' keep my mama name out your mouth." My dad was speechless for a while we were going back and forth before I started walking out the door. He said, "Hold up hold up, where are you going?" I said, "I was already leaving for my grandmother's when she came in starting mess." Then she went, "Pshhhh...she?!" I said, "I'm sorry, was there another appropriate pronoun you wanted me to use?!" She rolled her eyes, my dad sighed and said, "Ok."

Now, in the future, her ignorance was transferred to my dad and she didn't much have to lift a finger to get him riled up over some bull, but she has always made REAL sure not to ever confront me about anything. I thought I was being extra careful to not step on toes and stay out of everyone’s way to avoid any drama. But there seemed to always be a problem. My dad, when he knew she was in the wrong, tried his best to avoid another showdown he couldn’t pick a side for. In those cases, he made sure to let me know he knew it was bull but just wanted me to understand to avoid the conflict to which I much obliged. As much as I hated him, it’s not fair to put him in the middle. So I didn’t but what’s funny was, he was more concerned about her in the issue than me. He knew I could hold my own but he wasn’t sure if I would ever initiate so it was like he made sure to make me understand for his sake so that I wouldn’t. I haven’t had a need to start “mess” since elementary school. I go out of my way to avoid it and do right by others to not get it in return but with her, and later very much so him and others that are supposed to be close to me, it seems they go out of their way to start it. People wonder why I don’t get close to people. It’s these people that make me run from people….even my family.

Now, I would get it, I analyze myself way too much, if I was delusional to not believe maybe I bring it on myself, but being completely honest, I don’t. I avoid it like the plague but it keeps coming back…fortunately, I believe most people know, I’m smart and can hold my own and know I can call bullshit like no other, so I haven’t had any recent face to face conflicts. But as I type, it’s nippin…I just don’t understand…is it me?!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Gays are pretty racists.

OK, I'm sure I've had a rant or two about GayWorld and it's flaws, so forgive me if it seems all I have to do is complain. (I mean, I do, but this is my blog and I shall do as I please, thank you!) But gay guys are pretty damn racists. Now now, if you are a gay man, your first response is most definitely going to be "Having a preference is not being racist!" Hey, I know it seems like we can't help who we are attracted to, if you think a guy is hot, he's hot. But casting out an entire ethnicity of people before any association or meeting because you just automatically assume you aren't going to like them...is being racists.

I call myself "Ready to Date." I've had my struggles in GayWorld before, it's just not something I seem to fit in well, so I joined a couple of "Online Dating" sites for gay men to try to meet guys. "Online Dating" is in quotes because yes, a good 95% of the guys on there are looking for a hook up. Having pics of no faces, with just bodies and genitalia, trying to reel in the next catch. I have hope and stand my ground as being in that 5% that are looking to actually date. I show only my face, and yes, one body pic because, sure looking for someone is shape I feel is reasonable, but I clearly state that I will not hook up and I don't. I talk about myself, give some adjectives and hobbies and just sell me. A genuine online dating profile. (I've read enough books on it, I'm kind of a pro.) But I don't really put any restraints on the kind of guy I'm looking for. I know for a fact that a guy can not be physically what you may call "hot" but I'd be into him. I really don't have any physical preferences so I don't state any. But I feel like that's just me...

You have many,MANY guys who put the disclaimer "only whites/hisp...sorry just my preference." Ok, sure, like I said in a previous post, many gay guys are programmed by the gay porn industry to like a certain kind of guy. Blacks in gay porn aren't popular. Ok ok, It's pretty shitty but I call myself getting over that a long time ago. I told myself, ok those guys who are just looking for sex aren't the kind of guys you want to be around because that's not the kind of person you want to be. Fine fine. I get it. But here's the funny part. Guys online who claim to looking to date or better yet "make friends" also are sure to put the disclaimer of only whites or latinos. So, because you don't think/know you are/aren't sexually attracted to black guys, you don't even want to make friends or just take it one guy at a time? Ok sure, sure I may be generalizing, I can't speak for everyone, and sure some may be lying about what they seek on these sites, but from my experience, and what I can generalize....that's pretty dern racist, bud.

I know, this isn't a just gay problem. It's all over. But today, when I went to the bathroom at a heavily cruisy gym, on the stall wall, there was an etching that said "No blacks." My dumb fault for going to the gym hoping to find a boyfriend in all the lustfuls but I have few options, I don't get out much. But it just...made me sad. Online, I get blocked/ignored all over the place, guys won't even talk to me. Sure, I'm not the prettiest in the bunch and you have all the right to ignore me if I'm not cute to you, but the simple fact that won't even take a chance, I mean, I could be the best friend they ever had, no sexuality involved, but they will never know. I may be just bitching because I'm struggling in the dating world but this is fact...

The BEST part of this is, even black guys are guilty of it. The guys who consider themselves hot enough to get attention from a white guy will also put a disclaimer. Admittedly, when I first was "out and about" I thought I was only attracted to white guys too. But it changed. It changed when I saw what was really going on. It changed when I said I wanted to be better. I wanted to be real and I didn't want my "gay lifestyle" to be something that didn't have substance.

I can't say I'm all the way adjusted but things like this make me better. Sure, I get mad, I get sad, I have my moments that I consider moments of weakness and I break down, but I pick myself back up and stand my ground and I be the kind of guy I want to be. I may be one of a very few, but I can't be more proud to be it.